I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have someone in my life that really cares about me and actually wants to hear about what's going on in my life. Besides my mom, of course. I'm not sure if I've ever had that... I mean, there would be people who are upset that I would even think that. But it's true. And my problems really aren't all that big compared to what those people's. So, I feel bad complaining, or even talking about them because it feels like I'm taking all that I do have for granted.

I just...I really want someone to care about me more than they care about themself. That sounds so horrible to me now, but I do.

I'm worried. I'm worried that I won't get my period after taking these pills. I'm worried that something more serious is wrong with me. I'm worried that... I'm not even sure what I'm worried about. I just hope that this is what it is. I can't believe that I just said that I hope I have a disorder. But it's better than the alternative.

Putting things off is awesome... Until you actually have to do it. And then all the dread has built up into an even bigger knot of nervousness than there was before. I was supposed to go see the doctor on the..eighth, maybe. But they rescheduled my appointment for tomorrow. There's extra scared-ness because it's not just the normal doctor -- it's vagina doctor. And! There is actually something wrong with me, and I'm nervous to find out what.

I don't want to go.

I'm being made to go, though. By a few people. Though, I'm kind of wondering if my mother forgot because she hasn't mentioned it in a while. I really, truly do not want to go. I know it's about my health, but still...

Does it make me a horrible person that I kind of would think it would be a good thing if what's wrong with me would leave me unable to have children? I know I might not think that way in a while, but I really do now. I don't want kids; I don't like kids. So, maybe this would be God's way of saying that I'm not meant to have any. And, truth be told, I don't think my attitude will change. And if it does, I can always adopt.

I really feel like now is the time in my life that I should be writing. If any time in my life is going to written down, this should be it. I'm going off to college. Begining that big new phase in my life. So, I suppose it's time for a change. A change in what? Not sure. Maybe in my attitude towards the world. Or just towards myself. Or perhaps others. Maybe it's just a change in me. Perhaps this is the prelude to a big change in myself. I wonder if I'll notice this change when it happens, or if I will just think I've always been that way, thought that way, believed in that same way my whole life... I'm not sure.

I think that's my attitude towards a lot of things lately -- I'm not sure. I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing in two years, or even two months. I'm not sure how I'll obtain the goals I've set for myself, even though I've thanked countless people who believe in my ability to achieve those goals. I'm not sure if I believe in those goals myself. I'm not sure I even really want to reach those goals. I'm not sure if I'm nervous or excited, or just plain scared shit-less. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure what life holds for me. Some days I really wish I could go forward in time just to see if everything I will have to go through and am going through is worth what the end product is. I'm just... I'm just not sure.

About two years ago, I remember writing in my journal that I wanted to go to Guatemala. This thought was not without prompt. At that time, some people I know were going there on a mission trip. I never actually imagined I'd be able to go though.

But I am.

I'm leaving in ten days. I'm very nervous and excited, and can't believe it's only ten days away. Just thinking about it makes me have a funny feeling. Oy.

I been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,
Sun has baked me,

Looks like between 'em they done
Tried to make me

Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
But I don't care!
I'm still here!
- Langston Hughes